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2024 Annual Fic Review
Woah, back to doing these!
LIST:
Destiny (1)
Off the Starboard Bow - Archie Kennedy/John Granby
Team Fortress (23)
It’s all sniperspy, unless noted otherwise.
Total number of completed stories: 26
Total word count: 91,005
I’m in the not so unique position of where I wrote at least 4 of the fics at least 75% of the way done 13-15 years ago, which is a huge chunk of words. I would estimate 12k written over a decade ago. The Top Gun fics were leftover WIPS from last year. Minus 20k words in total? So more like 71k. Which. Still a massive amount for me.
Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?
I published 1 fic last year and it took all I had in me. But, privately, I wrote a bunch of OC stuff. I definitely blew myself out the water this year. I don’t think I’ve ever had that much output in a loooong time.
What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?
Bruh. Team Fortress 2 after 14 years of moving on. I’m still fervently shipping sniperspy—and I’ve always been a same fraction girlie. Not much has changed with how I think of them but now that I am older and wiser and better at pwp… I know they’re both bottoms. I know it in my heart. I think the me from 14 years ago would be pretty pleased that I can now write decent pwp (or I just don’t care to be self conscious about it anymore).
What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?
lol, I love all bite to pieces. It was fun to write! Truly joyous. I answered this question on a tumblr meme so here’s the answer:
I was on an absolute mission with that one. Knew what I wanted, from top to bottom. Wrote it VERY fast. I love how it flows; it’s easy to read, easy to understand the dynamic. (At least, for me.) Sniper bottoms. Spy bottoms. They’re both extremely clear with what they want, and aren’t, like, blushy-shy about it. There’s a lot of characterizations I crammed in as well and, tbh, the jokes still make me chuckle. (Awoo, biscuit, and LET’S TEST THIS PUPPY OUT, being the top three.) That fic was all for me, HAHA!!
Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?
I wouldn’t say it was a risk… but I feel like I really showed my ass with just might come crashing. I think it’s an indulgent fic, which is not inherently bad, but I wasn’t going to post it. It started as a collection of somewhat melodramatic scenes that I didn’t plan to make cohesive, didn’t make a plot other than “they go up to the mountains and don’t even hang out with each other for the majority of it”. I drew a lot of scenery inspiration from my own mountain trips.
Admittedly, I don’t much like reading “I Love You” confessions in fic, especially during sex. I wanted to play around with what I would consider…. a neat confession, of sorts. Mind you, this is only the tip of the iceberg with that fic.
Oh, and something I learned from all that… I truly believed this was written pretty poorly for an audience (that wasn’t me!). I didn’t think it would get compliments, like, at all. LOL. Imagine my surprise by all the nice things people took the time to say, haha. So thank you to everyone who did take the time.
Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?
Nah. Just keep chugging along, I guess. I wanna finish foresight, and I wanna write more not-so-sub-but-yeah-he-likes-it!sniper. u_u
My best story of this year
Ooh, a toss up between ARMSTOPPER and hindsight. Unfortunately, my thoughts on hindsight have kinda been tainted by the follow up I’m trying to push though so I think hindsight is a bit of a pain in the ass atm, but ARMSTOPPER also had that same kind of suffering. ARMSTOPPER made me take the biggest victory lap, while I reread hindsight more often just because I do like it a lot.... both of them have Spy suffering so maybe that's the real entertainment for me.
My most popular story
Critical Provocation has a baffling amount of hits to me. Well. Not baffling. But it sure is funny. Thrifty actually has the most kudos as of now, but not by much, and it was written earlier in the year.
Critical Provocation was something I knocked out in, like, two days. Because I saw a funny tumblr shitpost, and also I was determined to write Sniper as a bottom, but not… like… being shy about it? I’m not super into extremely shy-blushy-mewling sexually inexperienced bottoms, especially with Sniper. idk, I think Sniper would really put on a gameface about it. Then I think it’s a really cute narrative payoff when he does break. That’s just my two cents. Anyway critprov was fun to write. I’m glad people enjoy it. perhaps the people also long for confident bottom!sniper..... :/c
Story of mine most under-appreciated, in my opinion
Oughoguh it’s not anyone’s fault but Off the Starboard Bow is another one that I’m super proud of but it combines two very niche Age of Sail fandoms that are quite…………….. quite old. I think it’s nicely written, fun, and true to voice. I miss writing for Temeraire. Granby is also a fun character to write for. Things are always happening to him, all of the time. He should be able to suck dick in peace. Archie also deserves to get his dick sucked. rip archie kennedy you would have loved to be granby's normcore boyfriend.
Most fun story to write
I’ve said this with all bite already so my second choice would be Happy Hour, which I sorta wrote buzzed on martinis and melatonin during an 18 hour flight to South Korea, where I didn’t sleep for 48 hours (had to take a third flight to Jeju). It was the only thing keeping me sane on that wretched plane. I had a woman digging her feet into my thighs so ironically when I do reread the fic, Spy going apeshit on the other spies was just me channeling the same violence, and I think of that unhinged plane lady often.
Editing that fic was wild, let me tell you. There’s so many post-dinner minific parts because I wrote the concept of them on the plane. I wish I saved a screencap of an early draft. Utterly incomprehensible.
Most Sexy Story
Thrifty? I’m not sure on this one. I wrote a lot of oneshot PWPs and all of them have sexy scenes, but I think thrifty hits that spot of having adequate build up throughout the fic, with all the flirting and whatnot, and like.. the payoff sex scene, which I think it is very cute to write sniperspy being super into each other and not so fussy with the physicality of it all (just the emotional). Spy especially putting himself in a less dominant position but still being in control is fun.
Oh. I just remembered gun maintenance as well. Conceptually, that was pretty hot. (gun puns....) Non-explicit build up is what I enjoy writing a lot.
Story with the single sexiest moment
positive reinforcement. Another fic inspired by a tumblr shitpost but
lol. I love sub!sniper with all my heart but in those moments when I write him calling the shots, I do have fun with twisting the dom/sub dynamic around. I mean, what’s cuter than teaching your normally calculating attack dog the command to “go feral” on you? :’)
Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story
Nah. All my fics are in the category of “I’m Not Surprised”. hindsight, in fact, was such a ME fic to write. No one should have been surprised about me writing this kind of time travel fic.
Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters
LMAO, I GUESS THE FIRST TF2 FIC I WROTE AFTER 14 YEARS? barter? I wrote it, got a bit dissatisfied with falling into “oh spy of course gets on his knees and sucks sniper's dick” trope and so I was like… I’m gonna turn the dom/sub dynamic around a bit. and wrote it twice?????? i don't claim to be reasonable. but i think i did make it clear that Spy was running the show the entire time.
Hardest story to write
ARMSTOPPER TOOK ME 14 YEARS TO PUBLISH. Prior to this year, I had not open the document since 2015 but the creation date was 2010. That file has survived three computer changes, all my years of uni, 10 years into my career. that's my teen child. i can get it a drivers permit.
On a more serious note, ARMSTOPPER’s unfinished state was due to a lot of high expectations from myself at the time, combined with me just drifting away from TF2 around 2015. I got into other fandoms! I also wasn’t a deft enough writer to fully pull off with what I thought I had to write. ARMSTOPPER was supposed to be long and plotty with a sex scene, confession, and courting. And I didn’t know how I wanted to end it at the time. And so it languished!
Years later, I opened it back up again and thought what I had written was still good. I’m not sure if it’s really noticeable, but there’s a distinct shift in writing in the middle of the fic where I simply continued where the early 20s me left off. I think towards the later half, it’s just a bit snappier and the narrative humor is sliiiightly different but I think I was able to emulate my older style of writing, which is a wild thing to say, haha.
I also had to pull out an unbelievable amount of meme jokes from the fic. There is a “Deal With It” falling sunglasses meme gesture Spy does at the very beginning and in my heart of hearts I knew I could not totally rewrite over it.
Most disappointing
(puts my hand on ur shoulder) Those Aren’t Posted.
But!! Honorable mention goes to rings around — where I forgot to write an entire scene (THE ENDING I PLANNED?!?) and posted the fic, panicked, and had to, at great speed, write that missing scene in. WHICH IS WAY THERE WAS A WEIRD TIME SHIFT EPILOGUE AOUGHGOGH MY GODDDDDDD. I wrote a different ending (with Carole), which I did not initially plan because I completely forgot my original ending (with Ice). Incredible work, by me. What a blunder. Other than that, I very much like rings around. It deals with my favorite time travel themes of guilt, longing, and a character looking into their future and just simply hating it because they end up being happy, LOL.
Easiest story to write
Critical Provocation. I saw the shitpost “griping and complaining on it” and a demon possessed me. I slapped that one down quick since I was looking for any excuse to write bottom!Sniper being on the inexperienced side but totally up for it. Wrote out the banter I wanted (WHICH SOME ENDED CUT, THEY WOULDN’T SHUT UP ENOUGH TO GET THEIR DICKS OUT..), and then the rest fell into place, thank god. It was a very Point A to Point B type of writing experience.
Fun bonus fact: I have mulled over a pillow-princess!Sniper follow up but I genuinely think I’d write it in such a way where it’d be more like restraint kink than being pampered. Idk, imagine they attempted it and found it lacking.
Biggest surprise
Bruh. TF2. all of them.
But, more seriously just might all come crashing, which I will get more into in the next question. I’m not surprised I wrote it, I’m just surprised I published it since I tend to not post stuff I find embarrassing, lol. That fic was really supposed to be for my own practice and entertainment.
So… what I mean to say is…… JMCC was written …… from the heart and … (grits teeth) very sincerely. Not that my other fics aren't sincere but. Like. This one was….. hrm …this was written with genuine affection and earnestness for the ship. And I truly didn't care to put in any more than what I wanted (hence the gaps). I don't think it's very polished, and the pacing is something I did not focus on. I’m a pretty confident writer, so to put something out there where I’m kinda like “lol, that was meant for me to read myself, not for others” is… eh. Kinda revealing, I guess.
Most unintentionally telling story
Right. Here we go. I’m gonna yap at length about just might come crashing. Because I feel like it’s a bit different from the other tf2 fics I put out there. Like I need to justify myself, lol.
I put a lot of boring themes in that one. Career burnout. Now’s-not-the-right-time romance. His-Happiness-Over-Yours. The importance of time away from something or someone you love (a job, a partner). Being perceived in what you think is the most cringiest way possible (gee..). I love dynamics that play with mutual attraction/awareness of feelings, but both participants actively choose to not go forward for whatever reason. It’s emotional purgatory, and that’s fun to me.
It’s my ideal, self-indulgent version of sniperspy; love as a responsibility you're taking on. Love being a cold little cabin you are caging yourself in, with all these monitors and trackers you aren't using. The one time you do, there's a huge truth being blurted out that you can't deny but you're also not surprised by it. And the only surprise Spy feels is his own deep, unrelenting happiness. He disassociates, compartmentalizes, because he knows he’ll choke on it.
All this, and he still lets Sniper go out for days, freely, despite being lonely, because Spy knows Sniper will come tapping against his window eventually. Sniper is an independent spirit, but he also knows the lengths Spy has gone, and that's also daunting—being invested in someone's happiness that might not be in line with your own. I think, in the end, they are two fundamentally different people that just happened to cross paths due to circumstance. If early on they had met other people more compatible.. I mean. I don't think they're each others' first choices. They both know it.
This isn't even addressing the mercenary careers they both have, and there's a high chance either one of them will find the other dead in a ditch eventually (in THEIR minds, at present). To them, being in love is a burden you take on so you make damn well sure it's worth it.
Then, I suppose after all the mutual pining’s been addressed, they’d deal with it in their typical mercenary way, by being absolutely ruthless with it. For them, being in love is a job, one you can also burnout of, but these are two people who take joy, pride, and satisfaction from their careers. They are going to care a whole lot. So, you know, other than that being a completely deranged way of thinking, that’s just their take.
(I touch on this in hindsight, the time travel fic when Spy is having a moment and thinks about the work and effort of a relationship.)
Don’t get me wrong, JMCC is a hopeful romantic fic—but there’s a tragic undercurrent to it, lol. I don’t resolve the career burnout. I don’t have them confess directly. They don’t talk about it. I don’t go into the UFOs. I don’t even write an explicit sex scene. They don’t even see each other for the majority of their two weeks in the mountains. At the end, Spy comments on Sniper being intentionally hurtful. Is it mutual? Yes, it is.
Fourteen years ago I wrote all that matters, which I belatedly realize was kinda the prototype for this, the first iteration of that underlying sadness and the work that goes into maintaining a relationship. There's a bookmark comment on it by nik_knak, "Maybe it's just me, but I myself find it rather depressing, even in the end." Haha, they've nailed it even before I did. Funnily enough, it’s also from Spy’s POV; love as extra work you’re willing to take, and you’re just lucky to have that other person return it, and that you might be happy doing it.
So, yeah. That was a telling fic. The most unintentional part of it was me revealing that Spy is my little meow meow. My sweetie pie. My silly pookie. My dipshit clown dolly I like to continuously waterboard in an iced tub just to see him suffer while I put Sniper into the woodchipper but give him a nice mug of hot chocolate afterwards.
Story I’d like to revise
Brother, once them fics are up I don’t touch them. Unless to fix typos or sentence structure.
Story I didn’t write but will at some point, I swear
This will get me blacklisted but I think about a BLU Spy/BLU Scout with RED Spy/RED Sniper comedy hour fake dating situation a lot. Wherein BLU Scout attempts psychological warfare with his sperm donor, R!Spy, by pretending to date B!Spy, who goes along with it because it would be so fucking funny. R!Spy sees through their plan and doubles down, ALSO pretends that he’s SO HAPPY his SON has FOUND a GOOD GUY to DATE and he hOPeS THEy aRE soOoOoO hapPY tOGeTHer.
In the meanwhile, R!Sniper proceeds to reconsider his life choices. Relationships go down the pisser. RED and BLU teams implode. All because B!Scout and B!Spy are fucking and committed to the bit.
And that’ll be the fic.
Closing statements:
Never delete your WIPs. Never say die. If you're not feeling it, put it away. Maybe in 10 years you'll come back to writing and it'll be fun again. Maybe you'll love tf2 again.
Anyway. What a nutty year. I hope to continue the trend! I've got a few more fun sniperspy pwps to finish so I'm actually hoping the first fic for the New Year is either Sniper shaving Spy or being in a maid dress. Who could say. The man contains multitudes.
LIST:
Destiny (1)
- Seven on high - Andal/Cayde-6
Off the Starboard Bow - Archie Kennedy/John Granby
Team Fortress (23)
It’s all sniperspy, unless noted otherwise.
- barter
- thrifty
- All bite
- ARMSTOPPER - Engineer/Spy
- Critical Provocation
- Happy Hour
- hindsight
- positive reinforcement
- Tell You Everything
- Conflict Resolution
- Get This Feeling, Feel This Static - Engineer/Medic, Sniper/Spy
- Last Stage Fashionalism - rule 63-verse
- Part 2
- Part 3
- Various Ficlets/Prompts:
- Gun Maintenance
- Fluffy
- Domestic
- Yuri
- hypnotic
- ostentatious
- Idle
- Post comic 7 ficlet
- just might come crashing
Total number of completed stories: 26
Total word count: 91,005
I’m in the not so unique position of where I wrote at least 4 of the fics at least 75% of the way done 13-15 years ago, which is a huge chunk of words. I would estimate 12k written over a decade ago. The Top Gun fics were leftover WIPS from last year. Minus 20k words in total? So more like 71k. Which. Still a massive amount for me.
Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?
I published 1 fic last year and it took all I had in me. But, privately, I wrote a bunch of OC stuff. I definitely blew myself out the water this year. I don’t think I’ve ever had that much output in a loooong time.
What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?
Bruh. Team Fortress 2 after 14 years of moving on. I’m still fervently shipping sniperspy—and I’ve always been a same fraction girlie. Not much has changed with how I think of them but now that I am older and wiser and better at pwp… I know they’re both bottoms. I know it in my heart. I think the me from 14 years ago would be pretty pleased that I can now write decent pwp (or I just don’t care to be self conscious about it anymore).
What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?
lol, I love all bite to pieces. It was fun to write! Truly joyous. I answered this question on a tumblr meme so here’s the answer:
I was on an absolute mission with that one. Knew what I wanted, from top to bottom. Wrote it VERY fast. I love how it flows; it’s easy to read, easy to understand the dynamic. (At least, for me.) Sniper bottoms. Spy bottoms. They’re both extremely clear with what they want, and aren’t, like, blushy-shy about it. There’s a lot of characterizations I crammed in as well and, tbh, the jokes still make me chuckle. (Awoo, biscuit, and LET’S TEST THIS PUPPY OUT, being the top three.) That fic was all for me, HAHA!!
Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?
I wouldn’t say it was a risk… but I feel like I really showed my ass with just might come crashing. I think it’s an indulgent fic, which is not inherently bad, but I wasn’t going to post it. It started as a collection of somewhat melodramatic scenes that I didn’t plan to make cohesive, didn’t make a plot other than “they go up to the mountains and don’t even hang out with each other for the majority of it”. I drew a lot of scenery inspiration from my own mountain trips.
Admittedly, I don’t much like reading “I Love You” confessions in fic, especially during sex. I wanted to play around with what I would consider…. a neat confession, of sorts. Mind you, this is only the tip of the iceberg with that fic.
Oh, and something I learned from all that… I truly believed this was written pretty poorly for an audience (that wasn’t me!). I didn’t think it would get compliments, like, at all. LOL. Imagine my surprise by all the nice things people took the time to say, haha. So thank you to everyone who did take the time.
Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?
Nah. Just keep chugging along, I guess. I wanna finish foresight, and I wanna write more not-so-sub-but-yeah-he-likes-it!sniper. u_u
My best story of this year
Ooh, a toss up between ARMSTOPPER and hindsight. Unfortunately, my thoughts on hindsight have kinda been tainted by the follow up I’m trying to push though so I think hindsight is a bit of a pain in the ass atm, but ARMSTOPPER also had that same kind of suffering. ARMSTOPPER made me take the biggest victory lap, while I reread hindsight more often just because I do like it a lot.... both of them have Spy suffering so maybe that's the real entertainment for me.
My most popular story
Critical Provocation has a baffling amount of hits to me. Well. Not baffling. But it sure is funny. Thrifty actually has the most kudos as of now, but not by much, and it was written earlier in the year.
Critical Provocation was something I knocked out in, like, two days. Because I saw a funny tumblr shitpost, and also I was determined to write Sniper as a bottom, but not… like… being shy about it? I’m not super into extremely shy-blushy-mewling sexually inexperienced bottoms, especially with Sniper. idk, I think Sniper would really put on a gameface about it. Then I think it’s a really cute narrative payoff when he does break. That’s just my two cents. Anyway critprov was fun to write. I’m glad people enjoy it. perhaps the people also long for confident bottom!sniper..... :/c
Story of mine most under-appreciated, in my opinion
Oughoguh it’s not anyone’s fault but Off the Starboard Bow is another one that I’m super proud of but it combines two very niche Age of Sail fandoms that are quite…………….. quite old. I think it’s nicely written, fun, and true to voice. I miss writing for Temeraire. Granby is also a fun character to write for. Things are always happening to him, all of the time. He should be able to suck dick in peace. Archie also deserves to get his dick sucked. rip archie kennedy you would have loved to be granby's normcore boyfriend.
Most fun story to write
I’ve said this with all bite already so my second choice would be Happy Hour, which I sorta wrote buzzed on martinis and melatonin during an 18 hour flight to South Korea, where I didn’t sleep for 48 hours (had to take a third flight to Jeju). It was the only thing keeping me sane on that wretched plane. I had a woman digging her feet into my thighs so ironically when I do reread the fic, Spy going apeshit on the other spies was just me channeling the same violence, and I think of that unhinged plane lady often.
Editing that fic was wild, let me tell you. There’s so many post-dinner minific parts because I wrote the concept of them on the plane. I wish I saved a screencap of an early draft. Utterly incomprehensible.
Most Sexy Story
Thrifty? I’m not sure on this one. I wrote a lot of oneshot PWPs and all of them have sexy scenes, but I think thrifty hits that spot of having adequate build up throughout the fic, with all the flirting and whatnot, and like.. the payoff sex scene, which I think it is very cute to write sniperspy being super into each other and not so fussy with the physicality of it all (just the emotional). Spy especially putting himself in a less dominant position but still being in control is fun.
Oh. I just remembered gun maintenance as well. Conceptually, that was pretty hot. (gun puns....) Non-explicit build up is what I enjoy writing a lot.
Story with the single sexiest moment
positive reinforcement. Another fic inspired by a tumblr shitpost but
Sniper leaps from his chair, grabbing Spy by the face, thumb and forefinger circling over Spy’s mouth to shut him up. Spy jumps, surprised into reaching for Sniper’s wrists, but it’s been a while since Sniper touched him, and the burning stare is enough to make him freeze in place.
Sniper gives Spy’s face a little shake for emphasis. He leans down, fingers digging into Spy’s skin through the mask.
“Then. Figure. It. Out.”
lol. I love sub!sniper with all my heart but in those moments when I write him calling the shots, I do have fun with twisting the dom/sub dynamic around. I mean, what’s cuter than teaching your normally calculating attack dog the command to “go feral” on you? :’)
Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story
Nah. All my fics are in the category of “I’m Not Surprised”. hindsight, in fact, was such a ME fic to write. No one should have been surprised about me writing this kind of time travel fic.
Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters
LMAO, I GUESS THE FIRST TF2 FIC I WROTE AFTER 14 YEARS? barter? I wrote it, got a bit dissatisfied with falling into “oh spy of course gets on his knees and sucks sniper's dick” trope and so I was like… I’m gonna turn the dom/sub dynamic around a bit. and wrote it twice?????? i don't claim to be reasonable. but i think i did make it clear that Spy was running the show the entire time.
Hardest story to write
ARMSTOPPER TOOK ME 14 YEARS TO PUBLISH. Prior to this year, I had not open the document since 2015 but the creation date was 2010. That file has survived three computer changes, all my years of uni, 10 years into my career. that's my teen child. i can get it a drivers permit.
On a more serious note, ARMSTOPPER’s unfinished state was due to a lot of high expectations from myself at the time, combined with me just drifting away from TF2 around 2015. I got into other fandoms! I also wasn’t a deft enough writer to fully pull off with what I thought I had to write. ARMSTOPPER was supposed to be long and plotty with a sex scene, confession, and courting. And I didn’t know how I wanted to end it at the time. And so it languished!
Years later, I opened it back up again and thought what I had written was still good. I’m not sure if it’s really noticeable, but there’s a distinct shift in writing in the middle of the fic where I simply continued where the early 20s me left off. I think towards the later half, it’s just a bit snappier and the narrative humor is sliiiightly different but I think I was able to emulate my older style of writing, which is a wild thing to say, haha.
I also had to pull out an unbelievable amount of meme jokes from the fic. There is a “Deal With It” falling sunglasses meme gesture Spy does at the very beginning and in my heart of hearts I knew I could not totally rewrite over it.
Most disappointing
(puts my hand on ur shoulder) Those Aren’t Posted.
But!! Honorable mention goes to rings around — where I forgot to write an entire scene (THE ENDING I PLANNED?!?) and posted the fic, panicked, and had to, at great speed, write that missing scene in. WHICH IS WAY THERE WAS A WEIRD TIME SHIFT EPILOGUE AOUGHGOGH MY GODDDDDDD. I wrote a different ending (with Carole), which I did not initially plan because I completely forgot my original ending (with Ice). Incredible work, by me. What a blunder. Other than that, I very much like rings around. It deals with my favorite time travel themes of guilt, longing, and a character looking into their future and just simply hating it because they end up being happy, LOL.
Easiest story to write
Critical Provocation. I saw the shitpost “griping and complaining on it” and a demon possessed me. I slapped that one down quick since I was looking for any excuse to write bottom!Sniper being on the inexperienced side but totally up for it. Wrote out the banter I wanted (WHICH SOME ENDED CUT, THEY WOULDN’T SHUT UP ENOUGH TO GET THEIR DICKS OUT..), and then the rest fell into place, thank god. It was a very Point A to Point B type of writing experience.
Fun bonus fact: I have mulled over a pillow-princess!Sniper follow up but I genuinely think I’d write it in such a way where it’d be more like restraint kink than being pampered. Idk, imagine they attempted it and found it lacking.
Biggest surprise
Bruh. TF2. all of them.
But, more seriously just might all come crashing, which I will get more into in the next question. I’m not surprised I wrote it, I’m just surprised I published it since I tend to not post stuff I find embarrassing, lol. That fic was really supposed to be for my own practice and entertainment.
So… what I mean to say is…… JMCC was written …… from the heart and … (grits teeth) very sincerely. Not that my other fics aren't sincere but. Like. This one was….. hrm …this was written with genuine affection and earnestness for the ship. And I truly didn't care to put in any more than what I wanted (hence the gaps). I don't think it's very polished, and the pacing is something I did not focus on. I’m a pretty confident writer, so to put something out there where I’m kinda like “lol, that was meant for me to read myself, not for others” is… eh. Kinda revealing, I guess.
Most unintentionally telling story
Right. Here we go. I’m gonna yap at length about just might come crashing. Because I feel like it’s a bit different from the other tf2 fics I put out there. Like I need to justify myself, lol.
I put a lot of boring themes in that one. Career burnout. Now’s-not-the-right-time romance. His-Happiness-Over-Yours. The importance of time away from something or someone you love (a job, a partner). Being perceived in what you think is the most cringiest way possible (gee..). I love dynamics that play with mutual attraction/awareness of feelings, but both participants actively choose to not go forward for whatever reason. It’s emotional purgatory, and that’s fun to me.
It’s my ideal, self-indulgent version of sniperspy; love as a responsibility you're taking on. Love being a cold little cabin you are caging yourself in, with all these monitors and trackers you aren't using. The one time you do, there's a huge truth being blurted out that you can't deny but you're also not surprised by it. And the only surprise Spy feels is his own deep, unrelenting happiness. He disassociates, compartmentalizes, because he knows he’ll choke on it.
All this, and he still lets Sniper go out for days, freely, despite being lonely, because Spy knows Sniper will come tapping against his window eventually. Sniper is an independent spirit, but he also knows the lengths Spy has gone, and that's also daunting—being invested in someone's happiness that might not be in line with your own. I think, in the end, they are two fundamentally different people that just happened to cross paths due to circumstance. If early on they had met other people more compatible.. I mean. I don't think they're each others' first choices. They both know it.
This isn't even addressing the mercenary careers they both have, and there's a high chance either one of them will find the other dead in a ditch eventually (in THEIR minds, at present). To them, being in love is a burden you take on so you make damn well sure it's worth it.
Then, I suppose after all the mutual pining’s been addressed, they’d deal with it in their typical mercenary way, by being absolutely ruthless with it. For them, being in love is a job, one you can also burnout of, but these are two people who take joy, pride, and satisfaction from their careers. They are going to care a whole lot. So, you know, other than that being a completely deranged way of thinking, that’s just their take.
(I touch on this in hindsight, the time travel fic when Spy is having a moment and thinks about the work and effort of a relationship.)
Don’t get me wrong, JMCC is a hopeful romantic fic—but there’s a tragic undercurrent to it, lol. I don’t resolve the career burnout. I don’t have them confess directly. They don’t talk about it. I don’t go into the UFOs. I don’t even write an explicit sex scene. They don’t even see each other for the majority of their two weeks in the mountains. At the end, Spy comments on Sniper being intentionally hurtful. Is it mutual? Yes, it is.
Fourteen years ago I wrote all that matters, which I belatedly realize was kinda the prototype for this, the first iteration of that underlying sadness and the work that goes into maintaining a relationship. There's a bookmark comment on it by nik_knak, "Maybe it's just me, but I myself find it rather depressing, even in the end." Haha, they've nailed it even before I did. Funnily enough, it’s also from Spy’s POV; love as extra work you’re willing to take, and you’re just lucky to have that other person return it, and that you might be happy doing it.
So, yeah. That was a telling fic. The most unintentional part of it was me revealing that Spy is my little meow meow. My sweetie pie. My silly pookie. My dipshit clown dolly I like to continuously waterboard in an iced tub just to see him suffer while I put Sniper into the woodchipper but give him a nice mug of hot chocolate afterwards.
Story I’d like to revise
Brother, once them fics are up I don’t touch them. Unless to fix typos or sentence structure.
Story I didn’t write but will at some point, I swear
This will get me blacklisted but I think about a BLU Spy/BLU Scout with RED Spy/RED Sniper comedy hour fake dating situation a lot. Wherein BLU Scout attempts psychological warfare with his sperm donor, R!Spy, by pretending to date B!Spy, who goes along with it because it would be so fucking funny. R!Spy sees through their plan and doubles down, ALSO pretends that he’s SO HAPPY his SON has FOUND a GOOD GUY to DATE and he hOPeS THEy aRE soOoOoO hapPY tOGeTHer.
In the meanwhile, R!Sniper proceeds to reconsider his life choices. Relationships go down the pisser. RED and BLU teams implode. All because B!Scout and B!Spy are fucking and committed to the bit.
And that’ll be the fic.
Closing statements:
Never delete your WIPs. Never say die. If you're not feeling it, put it away. Maybe in 10 years you'll come back to writing and it'll be fun again. Maybe you'll love tf2 again.
Anyway. What a nutty year. I hope to continue the trend! I've got a few more fun sniperspy pwps to finish so I'm actually hoping the first fic for the New Year is either Sniper shaving Spy or being in a maid dress. Who could say. The man contains multitudes.